Photo by Pim Myten
The lights are flashing, the sound system is blaring, and you're surrounded by the people you've spent every weekend with for the last few years. When you make partying your life, this feels like home. This is your family.
Oftentimes, these experiences can be enhanced with dopamine boosters or hazed with psychedelics. These magical experiences are exactly that—magic. Under the perfect circumstances, anyone can love you. But when the drugs wear off, do you really matter? These are questions I asked myself throughout my ten-year tenure in the electronic music scene. There are times I still ask it.
During the 2020 lockdown, I went to rehab for substance abuse. I won't say nightlife caused the issue, but I can attest that it didn't do me any favors. And what else is an addict to do two months into sobriety than take three liquid drops of LSD during a birthday cabin trip to the Poconos?
I don't remember much from that night, but I did feel and see the scratches I had all over my body and deep in my throat. I recall a moment when I tried to claw myself out of the personal hell forming in my head. My drug-induced psychosis burned some bridges— and I won't hold anything against them—but it did make me wonder if my non-nightlife friends would have reacted the same way. Would they have left me to fend for myself too?
"There's a difference between friends and people you just party with." Ironically, someone who fits this exact description told me this five years ago.
When you're in a scene that urges its community to be open and understanding, it's not out of the question that you'll start to believe this extends to all areas of your life. Sometimes it does and it's beautiful. Other times, you realize you can't hold people you go out with to the same standard of empathy as friends you've known your whole life.
A recent study by the Night Time Industries Association said that "participating in nightlife leads to a sense of belonging to a unique and meaningful community." But to grow meaningful relationships, you still need time to nurture them. I don't think that's necessarily always possible in a loud, dark room.
I've absolutely made some lifelong friends through nightlife and I don't think I'll ever stop. But I've also learned to accept that it's okay to have people that are just fun to go out with. Plus, my past experiences have led me to be more guarded when it comes to being close to people I meet on a night out. It's probably for the better, but I also miss the version of myself that was completely vulnerable to anyone who crossed my path.